right now...

i am having a really hard time right now.
things have not been easy, and the past month or so have felt especially rough. i'm starting to think that i take things too hard - that i'm too hard on myself, that i allow things to affect me too much, that i need to learn to compartmentalize a little more and not allow my emotions to spread so widely across all areas of my life (except maybe when i'm happy). my dad has been really, really sick and it has shaken me. it has affected my family, changed how i view life, not to mention that i am very similar to him - i worry about ending up the same (which is funny, because worrying and anxiety is one of the things he struggles with).
lately, i've felt really alone. i find myself wanting to spend more and more time by myself, which is probably the opposite of what i need right now - i feel lonely and isolated, but too anxious and too far behind with most of my friends to "catch up" with anyone. it's like.... i'm so sad. and i know it's obvious that something is wrong, but i don't want to have to explain anything, you know? and i don't want to be a burden, anyway - so i just don't want to try. i don't feel like i can talk to anyone, except michael. he truly understands me, understands how i think and what i need to hear (the good and the bad). but since he's been on tour it's been harder, and i don't want to become too dependent on my relationship anyway - both for my sake and his. i've always been close to my mom as well, but this has been hard on her too and i don't want to burden her.
i've been feeling physically sick lately, too. nausea, headaches. part of it has been trying to figure out the right medication for add, and my body has been so beat up that i have been exhausted mentally and physically. i've found myself completely lacking motivation to read or write or exercise. anything that requires any effort, things that i KNOW are good for me, leave me exhausted just to think about. which is especially nerve-wracking, considering i'm supposed to commit to a school any day now to resume my bachelor's degree in the fall (for creative writing, no less). it all just feels really heavy, and i needed to get some of it off me somehow.

THE ISSUE IS THAT THERE'S MORE THAN ONE ISSUE.

What happened Friday was absolutely horrific. It was an unfathomable event that we are all, individually and collectively, being forced to acknowledge - and it hurts. It sucks that within hours, even minutes, it became a polarizing hot topic for so many of us. I'm not saying that the shooting didn't deserve immediate discussion - it absolutely did, because changes obviously need to be made - but the WAY I observed people talking about it was pretty disheartening. While I don't own a gun or have any interest in owning one, and while I do have insurance coverage that would also cover any mental health issues I may have (thanks to my parents) and don't have kids, I'm still feeling very affected - I watch two amazing children for a living and there are many other beautiful children in my life, I couldn't imagine losing a single one of them and because of that I feel there's a huge urgency for us to work together and make these horrible events a thing of the past. Even though I was merely reading words on a screen (rather than hearing them, I was at work yesterday and while the babe was napping I was online) I felt like everyone was yelling with their fingers in their ears. Gun control issue! Mental health issue! I don't know that much about current policy but I have a gut feeling that NEITHER is the SOLE cause. Neither lack of gun control NOR stigmatized/hard to access mental health care is solely to blame. Why are we standing on opposite ends of a room, identifying with one side or the other and yelling rather than discussing the possibility that a LOT of different things need to change, including the way we approach each other in times like these?

It's true that Adam Lanza needed help. I read this article today about what it's like to be a mother of a child in need of mental health care, a child you fear might be capable of hurting themselves or others, and I feel for the author and Adam Lanza's mother (let's not forget that he killed her, as well - she can't speak for herself and we don't know why she had guns in the house). I don't know if he was receiving treatment for any mental health issues he may have had, and if not I don't know why not - feel free to correct me on that or anything else I may have wrong or leave out, I truly think discussing these things is necessary to come to terms with them and to try and reach a possible solution - but it's obvious that mental health issues DID come into play yesterday. I'm lucky enough to still be on my parents insurance, so I don't really know what it looks like facing the costs of needing help when you are on your own. But I do know that insurance is expensive, as are medications if you need to be on them - not to mention that many people often don't recognize when they have these issues and even if they do, they often feel embarrassed to ask for help. Even if a person has the money, the insurance coverage and the self awareness to recognize they need help, they also need the strength to ask for it and the time in their schedule to make it happen. On top of this, if they are put on medication it can take time to kick in or for the right medication or combination of medications to be found - and people with these problems are often resistant to taking things that will help them. Even with improvements to the healthcare system, ONLY looking at it from the mental health angle doesn't seem like a perfect solution.

The thing is, had he not had access to the guns his mother kept in the house this tragedy might not have happened. And I think that if there were a few more steps in the process towards obtaining a gun, Adam and his mother would've been screened a little better - I hope someone along the way would've caught that given his issues, their household was one unfit for gun possession. I've heard a lot of people use the logic that if people want to do something, they will regardless of whether it's legal or not - and that's true, to some extent - but not all the time. I think a lot of times people find comfort in anonymity - buying a gun anonymously, legally and immediately is easier than if they had to go through a long and arduous process. We don't know why he snapped yesterday. Had he not had access to guns, the same trigger that caused him to kill his mother in his home before leaving to the school may have still set him off - but with a knife or some other weapon, instead. And with far less damage. It may not have been a pre-meditated thing - I don't know if new evidence has surfaced, but in an article I read yesterday he had not left behind anything explaining his actions.

I don't know much about how to get a gun currently (the legal way) but apparently it's pretty easy - I would hope you at least have to give your license or something, though I know they're available at places like Wal Mart so even that I'm not sure of. And I don't know what EXACTLY is proposed when people talk about "gun control" but I'm pretty sure we're not talking about taking away ALL legal ways to get a gun. I read a lot of people yesterday saying things like "gun control is not the answer! If a teacher yesterday had been carrying, this whole thing could've been prevented, or at least the death toll could've been a lot lower!" In theory, that's true - if a sane, capable, gun-carrying teacher had been present yesterday and had reacted responsibly and accurately, it might've ended things quicker. I would literally give everything I own to go back in time and create that exact scenario for those children yesterday. However, in reality, there are a few problems with that that I see (again, correct me if I'm wrong). One of those problems is simple - it's unlikely the teacher would have only brought the gun yesterday, so every day those children would be in class with a gun. I don't know that I would feel safe knowing that my child is being taught by a stranger who carries. Teachers, while they have gone through adequate schooling that proves them qualified to teach, have not gone through proper instruction to prove they can accurately operate such machinery (putting some gun control laws in motion that make people have to go through a few hoops before obtaining a gun might not be such a bad thing if they're going to take it to school in a room full of our children every day). Another question I have - what happens when kids in high school, or even middle school, with some of the previously discussed mental problems find out about certain teachers carrying? I don't know that that's such a great thing, either. I can't find the article, but one thing I read yesterday written by someone who does own a gun talks about the responsibility of what it would've meant to be that hypothetical teacher yesterday - being a hero by way of gun in such a situation, while it would save some lives, might also cost you yours as other responders show up and possibly mistake you for the initial shooter.

Another thing I read a while back that resurfaced yesterday is this post about what it looks like to get a gun in Canada, and that looks pretty rational to me. It's still not perfect - crazy people have crazy friends, and their crazy friends will say that they're totally sane. Also, some mental illnesses can develop over time, are medical (for example, i don't know, a head injury or tumor that changes a persons personality/rationality), personal traumas can happen AFTER guns have been obtained (therefore, even after a person has been "proven worthy" of owning a gun, it would make sense to regularly check up that they are still mentally sound and that they aren't going through a nasty divorce or that a brain tumor isn't pressing on their frontal lobe, whatever). Further, I don't know how this would affect current gun owners - would they have to go back and go through these formalities, risking giving up their guns (and.....is that such a bad thing? if they don't pass, should they be in possession in the first place?) How much would it cost us to implement these new laws and where would the money come from? These are all questions I don't have the answers to, and if you do - I'm all ears. But I think the main question is, if making it easier to get mental health care - if removing some of the stigma attached to asking for that sort of help - if putting a few more road blocks in the way to obtaining guns to sort out those who should and shouldn't own them - if these things can work together to save even ONE life, isn't it worth it? Isn't it worth at least talking about - not yelling about, but talking about? I think so.

THE READING

ASSIGNMENT: WRITE A STORY WITH EXACTLY 150 WORDS TO EXAMINE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN EDITING AND WRITING.

Festivals weren’t her scene but Amy insisted she come. Liz was secretly thankful for the distraction; she met another one there named Thomas. They’d kissed and he’d written his number on her hand.

Other's stirring woke her. Amy had bought her time with a palm reader; she was late. She brushed her teeth and washed his number off in a fountain before heading towards the attraction booths.

"“Sorry! I’m late.”

The woman surveyed her face, scowling.

“We’ll have eight minutes.”

Liz offered her hands.

“You just met a man. You brushed him off?”

She wasn’t asking; she knew already.

“He’s more important than you think.”

Afterwards, Liz felt uneasy. She’d find him, get his number again. She headed to the communal bathrooms, looked in the mirror and laughed. There was his number - she’d slept on her hand. The palm reader had read her face.

She turned on the water.

HOW TO COOK

I've been offered something delicious. However, I have a lingering bad taste in my mouth and no appetite. I can never tell if I’m truly hungry anymore, I haven’t eaten much lately and I think it's affecting my thinking. I call a friend for distraction; we talk about cooking. She's smarter about both food and men than I, knows burrata is a cheese and not a musical term and eats it over heirloom tomatoes and greens with her boyfriend of six years. I ask about a dish we used to make when we lived together to avoid asking for the help I really need. Turns out I don’t need to; though she doesn’t know what I’m talking about she absolutely knows what SHE is, and her advice is multipurpose. I write it down on an index card to tape to my kitchen wall.

Watch the pot; be attentive.
Use fresh ingredients; one stale component hurts the entire dish.
Taste frequently; add spices as needed.
Be patient; waiting is hard, but the flavors need time to mature.
Never let it boil over; never let it burn.

FAIR

When I was younger I would act before thinking. I’d do whatever I wanted, thinking I would be able to spin it later - I’d rationalize my actions, justify things until I was blue in the face. I grew up a little, and now I think about things a bit before I do them - but I’m still human. I still make mistakes and I have to fight those urges to manipulate the situation. I try not to justify my actions, try to accept responsibility - and for the most part, I do. But sometimes I think there are details that might help explain what went wrong. And so, I explain - better than manipulating, better than justifying, but not better than if I had nothing to explain at all. While sometimes an explanation is a necessary thing and I think that I do have the right to tell my side of the story, I’m trying to move past that habit now, as well. I’ve been told I can be exhausting - I’m tired, too. I’m tired of talking myself in circles, I’d rather stop myself before I make mistakes. I’m trying to live more responsibly, to live less selfishly, to be more loving and to be more fair to myself and others.
--------Still, I often find myself writing about the past. Some of the people I write about are still in my life, at least in a peripheral sense, and I've been thinking lately about how much detail is fair to them to include vs. how much is fair to me to leave out. It would be different if I wrote music or was some sort of visual artist - people seem to have less of a problem with privacy boundaries being crossed if the details are hidden under a melody or coat of paint. I write with the intention of being honest, but I worry sometimes about whether people think I’m letting out too many personal details or if I’m just trying to talk shit. I want to be respectful, but I also want to be open.
I’ve gone through some hard things recently that have affected some of my close relationships. I’ve felt judged and alone. I’ve heard about people that I considered to be close friends talking badly about me behind my back, or not coming to my defense when hurtful things were being said. The few people who I feel actually do have a right to judge me have forgiven me, and those saying hurtful things don't have the whole story - and haven’t approached me to talk it out. That’s not very fair or honest, either. So I’m wondering, what do I owe anyone else? I'm trying to let things go, trying to remember that everyone is going through their own stuff and that I might be taking things personally that don't have anything to do with me, in reality, but still - I can't help but feel hurt. I'm wondering what's fair to talk about for the sake of other people, but I'm not sure anyone is offering me the same consideration.
--------I can’t go back and change anything I’ve done. I can’t apologize anymore for any past actions, either. I don’t think it’s fair to try and justify things that I know are my fault and I'm sick of rehashing details that I feel might explain any bad behaviors. All I can do is worry about the next step. About living fairly, about making good choices both for myself and for the people I love. I hope that, in doing so, I'll attract people that will offer me the same things. I don't want it to be about rewriting the past for me anymore, I want it to be about drafting a story I'm proud to live.

NONDISPOSABLE

I’m in the aisle with the razors, shaving cream and deodorant when I realize what I’ve done. Just before leaving the house I took out the trash and with it a perfectly good razor with a detachable cartridge - not one of those disposable little fuckers I normally buy that come in flashy colors but dull quickly. This one was the real deal.

I threw it away out of habit, I’m so used to buying things that can easily be replaced so that I can try something new each time. My fear of commitment apparently extends itself to toiletries. Disposables are also cheaper - but in the long run, are they really? It’s probably more cost-efficient to just invest in one good razor and replace only the blades as needed.

Last time I was in this aisle I'd come to the conclusion that I needed to upgrade from my disposable lifestyle and I spent a good five minutes staring at all my options. Different colors, varying numbers of blades, moisture strips, ergonomic grips - I normally grab the bag of disposables closest to the endcap and split, but I was trying to break patterns like that as well as be a bit more environmentally responsible. That’s just so much plastic to be throwing away each time the blades dull enough to cut me, you know?

I took a breath. I was annoyed with myself, annoyed that I was here again. This shopping trip should be about maintenance only; I should be buying a box of replacement cartridges, not starting over. I reached for a modest, four-bladed razor.

Traditional Venus - no palm trees on the package, no scented handle, no lotion strip that promised luxurious lather upon contact with water - just the original blue. No frills, and fairly priced at $7.99 - I tried not to look at the packages of five disposable razors for $3 less. At least my choice came with a bonus replacement cartridge so I wouldn’t have to worry about this aisle for another few weeks, or until I needed deodorant.

As I put it in my basket I felt him behind me - first simply his presence, then his arm around my shoulder. I had told him I'd meet him over by the trash bags but this aisle had taken more of my time than expected.

“I was looking all over for you, I found everything I needed... hey, I thought you bought one of these the last time!” he said.

“I know, I know. I'm so used to buying disposables; I accidentally threw it away this morning.”

He raised his eyebrow at me and smiled. He took the razor out of my basket to see which kind I'd picked and grabbed a box of ten additional cartridges from the display. As he threw them in with his things, I realized how glad I was that I'd finally invested in him.

I'M IN A BETTER PLACE

I've been here all along.